Ongoing #14

Tanker drivers' strike talks to begin next week as panic buying continues to spread

Congratulations have to go to the government for figuring out how to distract the public from their recent and various embarrassments and injecting some quick cash into their tax coffers without lifting a finger or actually having anything happen whatsoever. Just as the weather anomalies itself the right temperature to make everyone a little unhinged, our genius overlords decided to announce that come next weekend we might not be able to transport our horrible offspring to Ikea for a Saturday afternoon hellfest and like the pack animals we are, we got startled and knocked ourselves unconscious on a road sign.

This master-stroke doesn't come for free of course, as they have just handed a trump card to the tanker drivers by proving how thoroughly Britain will soak its metaphorical trousers in metaphorical shit at the mere concept of not having petrol for a few days. Now that all the idiots have started to panic-buy, that "few days" has started now - a full week before any expected action - meaning that regular people who would have done just fine buying petrol normally at the normal time they would have anyway are finding busy roads, long queues and a nagging temptation to make the queue one car longer just in case. Things are now so fucked, it actually makes sense to join the idiots. Argh, idiots.

But of course after the weekend we'll either find out that this was all pointless because the dispute has been resolved (and "yay government"), or we'll find out that it will happen again at the long weekend when everyone is extra stocked up on Super Crazy. Maybe they could add some extra tension by offering family tax credits for the first person to strangle another motorist to death on the forecourt.

On Kony

Like everyone else in the Western world I spent the 30 minutes required to watch the Kony 2012 video and, like most of them, I must admit to having clicked the "Like" button. Actually it was the Google +1 button, partially so that if it came to be a gigantic scam or an embarrassment to be affiliated with, nobody would have seen that I'd done it.

But then YouTube offered me the chance to share the video, just like the flashing pictures had been telling me to do, and that was a good thing because it gave me pause to think for a second. Just what was it that I really liked about the video? Apart from the whole "Africans in dire straits, only your white money can save them" thing which of course, as a melanin-challenged citizen of Mother Earth I absolutely love, don't I?

As a marketing exercise it was damned impressive but I could hear my inner cynic knocking, letting itself in, grabbing a brew and launching backwards onto my favourite chair.

"That was a little preachy", it said.
"Sure it was, but it was just the kind of viral whatchamacallit that'll get all those hip young trendsters - or 'kids', if you like - to put down their soda pops for a second and listen to something that's going on somewhere else in the world. And that Joseph Kony, he's a Bad Man."
"Oh, sure. Absolutely. We must definitely make sure to specify anywhere we criticise the Kony video that our scepticism about the content of the piece does not translate directly into a belief that there aren't enough child soldiers in Africa and that we should all just leave poor old Joe alone because he's doing stellar work. You know, just in case anyone listening happens to be a fucking idiot."
"I detect a hint of sarcasm there, inner cynic - but just think of all the awareness it's creating!"
"Yeah, mainly of this dude's charity and how amazing a person he apparently is. How much screen-time was dedicated to asking for money, showing the logos of the various organisations involved and drilling home the message that 'black people poor, you affluent and buy worthless shit anyway, so now you buy these bracelets from us'? I bet you can remember exactly what the logo for that 'TRI' charity looks like."
"Well it's like a ban the bomb symbol, but the spokes are kind of curved and there's-"
"Right. Now tell me any Ugandan's name, apart from the child they focused on."
"Umm... I don't really remember, it was all a bit of a blur. Come to think of it, I can't even remember the name of that main kid."
"Exactly, but you can very prominently recall the Jesus-like faces of White-o McSaviour and his son, Cute-so McSaviour. It's using a cheap emotional gimmick of 'My First Activism Cause' to influence impressionable people into giving money whilst enabling them to pretend they are actually stopping horrible things from happening to people far away, but done in our favourite way - without having to physically do anything about it. Click a button, Western guilt sorted, let's go to Starbucks."
"Now that's unfair, inner cynic. There was a huge call to action, with all those kids running around raising awareness in the middle of the night."
"Ah yes, the little terrorist training video at the end. Who would have thought that the path to saving the world was to waste paper by covering it in ink, hastily sticking it to the side of a building owned by somebody who has no ties to Joseph Kony, and then tossing yourself to sleep feeling real good about it while said paper catches a gust of wind and turns itself into litter?"
"A bit of litter is a small price to pay for... no, I can't defend this any more."
"All those self-proclaimed activists out on a rampage of JUSTICE - I'm sure nobody will get carried away and plaster people's houses, cars, gardens..."
"Yes, I agree with you, it's probably not a responsible instruction to be giving out."
"And besides, the video now has a millionty-twelve views so I'm not sure how much help it could possibly need!"
"All right inner cynic, I get it! You can shut up now."

And so it came to pass in the following days that questions were raised publicly about the business practises, previous successes and general misguided nature of the Kony 2012 campaign. And then the inevitable happened - religious crusader and White Man's Burden advocate Jason Russell couldn't take the pressure and his brain decided to go wank at some cars. You have to hand it to him; even in his craziest moments, the man knows how to get shared on the Internet.