On Patriotism

You may or may not be aware of this, but I'm a Scot. That is, I'm from Scotland. I'm Scottish. Random occurrences atop random-er occurrences throughout time led to the birth of the specific person that I am and so that person turned out, as it just so happens, to have been born in an historically-delineated portion of a fragment of planet called Britain. All of this resulted in his gender being male, his voice sounding a certain way, his hair being a certain colour and his, yes, even that. Everything that comprised his life caused him to move to another of the delineated parts of this "Britain", a place they know as "England". As it just so happened.

As it just so happened, this genetic experiment was matched and exceeded the world over in all factors, all backgrounds and all combinations. In kindness, in cleanliness; in smartness and in selflessness. In every fashion, the same "grow your own human" kit has been used to variable effect and it is demonstrably demonstrable that there are both good and awful examples in all different kinds of locations.

It is down to this fact that I call into question the ideology of patriotism and nationalism. The world is full of interesting people, communities, villages, towns, cities and countries but to think that any single one of them is "better" simply because it is the one in which one randomly sprouted is small-mindedness at best. As I mentioned above in a more masturbatory abstract form, I live in England now after growing up in Scotland. I love Scotland, it's a beautiful place and I've been on holiday there many a time (that's what happens when you have a family cat growing up). Some of my best friends are from there and everything.

But I could never imagine saying that it's the best country because have you seen other countries? Some of them are amazing. Some of them are not so good due to the crazy people living in them but that's the cost of a world with such variety and it's why the fast-approaching knuckle-to-the-skull that is English Pride makes me so nervous. It makes a lot of European football fans nervous too. I know English people too, they're cool guys. But as always the perception of their culture has been sullied by their worst elements. Which is unfortunate given that in the case of England, the worst elements are those who espouse the greatness of the country while pissing all over it.

It's the same anywhere - the burger joint employee who first stacked over 5 ham patties in a single bun will forever owe America a course of lap-band surgeries and the chip shop employee who first battered and deep-fried something that wasn't fish or sausage will forever owe Scottish heritage a quintuple-bypass. And now Scotland, world-renowned for its excellent book-keeping, wants proper independence like what we lost in that big fight that time. Sadly nobody is going to see Alex Salmond jousting David Cameron for it but a boy can dream. One quick trip out on a horse and all that sweet whiskey money could be ours.

None of this is to say that you shouldn't be proud of where you're from. I swell non-sexually whenever I consider the valleys, vistas, culture and cheer of my home country and the same is true when I think of where I live now. I just don't think that wearing obnoxious t-shirts, smashing up Argentinian cafés and adding an extra syllable to my country's name as I chant it reflexively with my friends constitutes "support". When it comes to appreciation of where you reside, I can only ask that you pay attention to those clearest of lines between pride and bullshit.

Ongoing #9

Cannabis taxation: a win-win all round, Richard Branson tells MPs

I wouldn't want to brag, but I've been saying this for years. I could have let the MPs know this for half of Branson's hourly rate because when it comes down to it, what actual reason is there to ban a naturally-occurring plant? Although in my head I've long been a fan of the "take the warning labels off everything and let what happens happen" idea I can kind of understand why certain drugs have been given the tag illegal.

Some of them need ridiculously small quantities to get you to take the ridiculously large quantities that will eventually consume you whole, and so with a bar to entry that low it's surely not worth the risk. But it's a traded-off risk, not an avoided one - the people who still want it will still get it, and they'll get lesser quality from dodgier people who've had to support nastier events than you'd care to think about as you're tucking greedily into your crack rock.

So the argument seems to be danger but putting aside the little matter of the zero cannabis overdoses that have ever happened in the history of the world, since when were dangerous things outlawed completely? They are usually a government's biggest money-spinners - tobacco, alcohol, cars and the petrol to go in them (which I guess is only dangerous if you're a hippie who likes breathing oxygen). Not to mention the life-threatening properties of knives, matches, bleach and water which are very easily accessible by any idiot with the capacity to blunder into a way they can cause injury with them. To someone who has basic faculties those items can be useful rather than a big sticky mess, so it becomes about risk and in this regard marijuana has been proven to be the lowest of the low.

But if they won't listen to evidence, reports, professionals, reports by professionals, public displays of their illogicality by professionals, are they going to listen to the guy with a big sack of money? Oh yeah, they might just do that, it's in their bloodlines.

Ongoing #8

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On Ailments

I write to you now from the blackened mist that is recovery from a sprained ankle - sympathy cards to the usual address please. It's a terrible place to be. I can't move or even angle my left foot without a considerable amount of pain, I am fully reliant on the kind people around me for some previously basic tasks and my only mode of transportation is the hop. For the past day and at minimum a few days to come, I will be constantly aware that something is not quite right in the state of Me. On a minutely basis I will be made to face that fact from the signals my foot is constantly sending to my head. Or maybe the signals my head sends to itself, via my foot. I probably should have done a bit more research before I started typing.

How easy it is to forget about the potential discomforts that we are not currently experiencing. When cuts, spots and other bodily chinks disappear and are no longer causing a daily distraction we almost instantly discard the very thought of them, dismissing the knowledge itself that we can even be affected by them. It's understandable, we have plenty of other stimuli around and we want to move on - our brains are busy people. But we also discard the appreciation factor.

The appreciation factor is what makes it hard to give a very nice steak to a very cute dog. The dog may scoff it down and lick his lips for hours after but to him, the meal was just as satisfactory as all the other meals he has ever consumed. What's he going to do? Note it down in his foodie diary under "must try again" and then let you know when he next fancies it? If you fed him toes, ears, guts and bumholes (or as they're more commonly known, "hot dogs") then there would be just as much affection coming back at you. It's not just a waste of money or a waste of steak, it's a waste of the experience of eating that beautifully prepared quality meat-based product on a deeply cognitive level that a non-human animal simply isn't capable of receiving.

Dogs are perfect examples of living "in the now" - I'm eating steak, now I'm not eating steak, mmm I can taste steak, mmm licked all the steak taste away, aww yeah now I'm getting stroked. It's not a complex internal monologue but it does for their purposes. Not once do they think "that piece of cake I found discarded in that sealed box on the table yesterday was good, I wish I had some more of that"; they're always looking forward.

As humans we can hark back to, say, the best lasagne we ever had but rarely would we take the memory of the cold sore we had last week, compare it to this week, and feel a benefit to it being gone (I do apologise for that mention of lasagne and cold sores in the same sentence). The sore is no longer pissing you off but there's not the constant joy that, considering how much time you put it to recognising it as an impediment, should be present after having regained full function of your lips. Or your whatever-it-was.

When I extend my arm I should be feeling great that the elbow joint doesn't click like it did a few weeks ago - a few more arm exercises and that particular annoyance has gone away - but somehow I'm not capable of that, I'm just extending my arm in an uninhibited manner. Sure, I can sit here, do it and think "awesome, it's not doing that clicking any more" (yes I am the kind of person who both says and thinks the word 'awesome') but after doing it a few more times with no sound or discomfort happening I get bored. Bored of watching my functional arm functioning functionally. And I know what an awfully wasted experience that is and what a fickle beast I am.

When I mend from my sprain I will no doubt go back to racing around on that foot, oblivious to the days (days being the measurement of time I am hoping turns out to be most relevant in this case) I spent without its usefulness. The only thing that makes me feel slightly better is that I'm sure that's just how it works. So maybe it's better to just embrace it? Fine then; may your ailments be minor, your mind be unappreciative and your lasagne consumption be unimpeded by cold sores. Oh, I did it again.

Ongoing #7

Websites block content over US bill

In 2011 protesting became the new shouting-about-stuff-on-the-Internet and now, within a year, not-putting-stuff-on-the-Internet has become the new protesting. I imagine protesting will make a comeback though, it is kind of persistent like that. Some high-profile sites took their bats and balls home in objection to freedom-smashing ham-fist-athon SOPA. Sadly I own no "web properties" with enough clout to make even a dent in the protestural (not a word) landscape if they disappeared, although I do have control over a few sites that, had they done anything (or removed everything they normally do) would have constituted a statement on behalf of some companies that would have rapidly set about getting me fired. I'm against the SOPA, but clearly I'm not that committed.

China's government's grip on its citizens' web usage has been well reported - the mere mention of this fact probably means I'm on a watch list right now. At least somebody is reading these - hello Chinese government employees, I am genuinely sorry that you have no fun in your life. America now seems to be taking a lead from China (as in guidance not metal - we all take enough Chinese lead as it is) by allowing themselves free reign to block any website for pretty much any reason they can tie back, however loosely, to copyright infringement because that no-questions-asked system worked so well for detention of terrorism suspects. Except there won't be a website version Guantanamo Bay, just the cold eternal emptiness of no visitors.

The web is still forming in to what it will be known as for years to come and especially to archaic, monolithic government structure it's a completely new concept - something they have no chance of controlling. As usual the "experts" deciding the way forward have missed the mark entirely - the solution to stopping those pesky squirrels from eating your plants is not to apply napalm to the forest. Although I guess the US already know plenty about that so it'll save a bit on planning costs.

Captain says he slipped, tumbled overboard and ended up in lifeboat

How tragically unlucky for a man so lucky as to find himself accidentally in a lifeboat and accidentally rowing like buggery away from the problem, that nobody believes he is truly a hero who just tumbled to safety. It's also a shame that there's a transcript detailing his cringe-worthy attempts to avoid getting back on the ship to help people.

Just look at the guy - he's clearly a cruise-liner captain, not a real one. Expecting anyone with this face to hang around while unimaginable terror and chaos rains down is like expecting your average bus driver to operate with the professionalism and resolve of a tank commander. "Captain Schettino" even sounds like a cartoon character who bumbles around at eight frames-per-second and gets farcically self-rescued making it look like he fled his own sinking ship ahead of women and children, sort of like an Inspector Clouseau of the sea. With a name like that, it's hard to stay mad at him. "Ohhh, that Schettino!"

Ongoing #6

Final preparations underway for Republican debate

The best theory I currently have is that Americans perhaps aren't fully understanding the purpose of debate. Firstly, they are meant to help people find which candidate they like the best, not which they hate the most. Secondly, debates are intended to move the conversation forward, not reinforce tired rhetoric to the kind of crazies that would go to Republican Debate 5937 (it's somewhere around there) and don't recognise pandering when they see it. Thirdly, they are at some point meant to stop.

Even if one person involved in the entire process were to be convinced away from their views, it would keep what they are pretending these events are (a discussion of the issues) from being quite so laughable. But rather than the candidates convincing the audience of a point using reason, these debates seem to be a "who can say the worst things about Obama and get terrifying Neanderthal-like yells and whoops in response" contest where the crowd let the speakers know just which viewpoints they are supposed to have.

In the UK we use debate in what seems like a far more flexible manner - that is, that there is vaguely the chance of winning anyone over to your logic, or indeed it being pointed out how flawed yours is and everyone getting past it, to the next question and trying to solve that one together too. Sorry, did I say "UK"? I meant to say "Fairy Fucking Pixie Land". But even us British don't seem as set in our ways as the people at these Republican debates. As a result it's hard to believe anything that the debaters are going to say as they are so well-trained on the cookie-cutter anti-liberal party lines required to pass - or as it's also called, "not be shot on the way out".

This seems to mean that the main place from which you should discard what a presidential hopeful said is the place they are meant to be using responsible and reasoned argument. How bad of an omen is it if I find this behaviour untrustworthy before so much as getting to the content of what they are saying?

Golden Globes: Ricky Gervais 'subdued', say critics

Is a non-event newsworthy? Does an occurrence that never occurred become worth talking about if the mere mention of it not occurring sets back hair up on end, on both sides of the topic? It's like that time the BBC reported that the "fifth night of rioting was avoided". So, you mean the rioting stopped? You can't call it the fifth night of rioting if there were only four nights of rioting; it was simply the end of the rioting.

And look, "oops!", they let their paedophile clown out at the party again but dammit; not one rape. Maybe he wasn't that horny after last year's castration or perhaps everyone knew that they couldn't get away with pretend controversy again so decided to put in as little effort as possible because whoever was going to watch would be watching regardless. Damned if you do, slammed if you don't. Still doesn't feel "newsy".

On Aliens

If I had a penny for every time I've heard the question "are we alone?" then I'd wonder who it was with the time and resources to track my hearing and donate a single British pence to me upon my ears' receipt of that specific phrase, and to what end they were doing this. That's some evil super-genius shit right there. But it's a common thing to wonder - here we are after all, dropped into a sea of stuff with no idea why or how we came to be. Let me take that back a notch - plenty of ideas, but pretty short on things like facts and knowledge. We're microbes on a fish's scale in that ocean; barely in reach of our neighbouring scale let alone the fish; able only to theorise about what the billions of other fish might contain.

It would be arrogant in the extreme for those microbes to assume that they were destined to be placed upon that particularly hospitable oceanic vertebrate and that no other such microbes could have been so lucky. Assuming, that is, that microbes had the capacity to display arrogance or make assumptions; both of which I might well be doing by thinking that they can't. Spoiler alert: they can't though. Take that, microbe community. But fittingly, with crazy-awesome telescopes we are starting to discover many stellar destinations that could be just as flourished as ours.

For me the answer has always been "of course we're not alone" due simply to the mathematics of it. There are thousands of millions of stars in just our own galaxy and many thousands of millions more galaxies in the universe - that's trillions of opportunities for the right conditions to emerge. Our biologically refined brains still cannot help but to be engulfed by how big of a number that is. Each one of those incomprehensible numbers is potentially a nutrient-giving sun for one or more of the sextillions (real word I promise) of planets out there; each a chance to produce life. And life is more than happy to try and appear anywhere there's room for it - just look at the plausible attempts of Jupiter's moon Europa, or even the less plausible attempts of the Jersey Shore.

I'm no gambler and it shows here with this sure-fire winner, hotly tipped to be proven without a doubt. I give us 25 years before extra-terrestrial life is a certainty and that estimate feels conservative. Even if we can't contact that life, our technology will have improved enough that we can detect their existence and who knows, they may already know about us but be unable to communicate. To me, it's just always seemed likely that that's the way it is. You might be thinking that it's easy to come out after they've started to find ridiculous numbers of potentially habitable planets and say "I said it would happen" and yes, it is easy to do that. But hey, you can ask my friends if you like. If they were listening to me when I originally said it.

What I find more incredible still is how diverse the universe really is. It has planetary structures, galactic formations and black holes that defy belief and so varied that even the crazed scribblings of madman George Lucas have turned out to be true. There's now nothing original you can guess about the cosmos, because the universe probably got there before you.

I can't do much more than to leave you with a stunning image dredged from the pit of untruth that is Wikipedia. It is of the other side of the galaxy you are in right now and just from the volume of bright dots pictured there I can't imagine that are no alien lifeforms somewhere in its vastness...