On Kate

Is it Christmas Fever (not a real disease)? Gangnam Fever (definitely a disease, possibly even a plague)? Maybe it's just civilisation spinning around the sinkhole a final few times? No, it's worse than all of that. It's Baby Fever, and everybody has completely lost their collective shit. It all started when what could possibly be described as

THE SINGLE GREATEST EVENT IN LIVING MEMORY

happened. I speak, of course, of Kate Middleton catching a spunk in her vagina. Forgive me - I may be underselling the gravity of the situation. When aliens are pawing through humanity's remains (actual aliens not guaranteed to have paws) in what will surely be the biggest museum to idiocy the universe has to offer, they might be forgiven for thinking that William and Kate were the only people to ever figure out the secret behind replicating their own DNA. The successful rutting and ensuing media frenzy quite reasonably caused our mini-Queenling to experience extreme nauseousness, a feeling I identify with more than she could know. Suddenly, this minor event was also unavoidably everywhere almost instantly. Thanks, internet.

Everything then went right off the rails, but you know the story. Some Australian DJs made a prank call to the hospital, a nurse by the name of Jacintha Saldanha fell for it and gave out a bit of information that she shouldn't have, the media freaked out, the hospital freaked out and, tragically, the nurse decided to commit suicide. Now is the point at which everyone should take a step back and review what they're doing with their lives. In any non-public scenario this wouldn't have been an issue:

1. A pregnant woman going into hospital with morning sickness? Least surprising non-event ever.
2. Prank call wasting a hospital's time? Dick move, but probably misjudged and not malicious - rap on the knuckles, no need to lose your job.
3. Falling for a prank call? Standard behaviour.
4. Giving too much information over the phone? Business as usual. It's not as if she revealed that Kate Middleton has five bumholes.

Yet the global spotlight causes emotions to run at unsustainable levels - high enough that a woman who did nothing wrong either felt that she should pay for it with her life or simply couldn't handle the pressure of being at the centre of such a shitstorm. Now some radio DJs might go to jail, Australia might be shut down entirely and Jancintha Saldanha is being hailed as the finest medical professional since Dr House. Constant overreaction to every development is what got us here to begin with but sure, let's serve up another dollop and see what happens. It might make a good story.

This isn't a situation that should have ever been allowed to develop - it's what happens when you're not looking; when you're focused on the shiny thing instead of the moulded turd it's being served to you on. It's the natural result of unending consumption, whether it be gossip magazines, twitter analysis, 24 hour reality TV - eventually it will consume something or someone itself.

So do you think that after this shocking event we might be able to leave Mrs Middleton alone and let her gestate in peace before more innocent people get trampled in the melee? Of course not. The show just goes on. Next: we exclusively reveal how many tears our close-up camera saw Kate shed at Jacintha Saldanha's funeral. Do you think it was sufficient? Your facebook reactions coming up!

Ongoing #16

Azhar Ahmed sentenced over Facebook soldier deaths slur

Since the popularity of the internet turned off-hand pub comments into perma-linked multimedia broadcasts of idiocy, judges have been going cock-a-hoop handing down sentences to anyone with enough motor skills to register a twitter account. This particular Muppet Of The Week happened to spout his drivel about dead soldiers somewhere public enough for one of the widows of a recently deceased serviceman to see and so she called the police. No, wait. What? I can't even imagine how that call went, but I hope it included something along the lines of "Help! Come quick! There's a wanker on the internet!".

So, for the crime of being an inconsiderate arse (okay, technically "sending a grossly offensive communication"), he has been given a fine and community service. Somebody - namely District Judge Jane Goodwin - gets to decide what is, and I quote, "beyond the pale of what's tolerable in our society". I'd suggest that if society can't tolerate some hateful and by all accounts quickly-redacted comments flippantly thrown out on a social media site, society is properly fucked. Right in the eye socket. Or something offensive. The judge went on to state that:

"With freedom of speech comes responsibility. On March 8 you failed to live up to that responsibility."

No. On the 8th of March Azhar Ahmed lived up completely to the responsibility of freedom of speech by speaking freely. Then a moral crusader with not an ounce of irony-recognition told him he couldn't do that. Part of freedom of speech is having the ability to say dumb things so that vaguely intelligent people know to avoid you. It is not and should not be considered illegal to flag yourself to everyone else as the total dickwad that you are.

Ongoing #15

Barack Obama endorses gay marriage

Bold. Steadfast. Historic. A little predictable maybe - and quite a bit late. Barack Obama's announcement that he supports gay marriage after nearly four years of utter silence on the matter would carry a little more weight if it hadn't been forcibly induced by a Joe Biden gaffe the day before. I say gaffe, but what actually happened was that he told the truth about his own feelings which caused vicious questioning of whether the President himself also felt that people should be given the rights and means to attain joy. Apparently this is an issue in America, as opposed to here in the UK where it's just assumed through his words and actions that our Prime Minister doesn't want personal happiness for anyone.

More bafflingly, the PR folks decided that the best course of action was to let poor White House Press Secretary Jay Carney fend off the question for a day without giving him an answer to work with. Presumably they did this just to see if they could get away with it, eventually coming to the last ditch, Jesus-holy-hell-I-can't-believe-we're-doing-this solution of taking a stand on one side of the colourfully-decorated fence. The most tragic part of this outcome was that the facts really were the very last thing that they tried - Obama's staff considered such an admission of humanistic apathy so suicidal with important voters in the "face inside own anus" demographic that they were willing to appear like bumbling fools who were scared of their own thoughts.

That media-savvy folks would choose this outcome is itself a damning critique of where America currently sits politically (although I'm sure if the issue had not been mentioned whatsoever it would have pleased them more). I'm sorry (I'm not actually sorry), but if you're one of these people railing so vehemently against allowing someone else a harmless platitude, then you are either a mouth-breathing affront to the word 'imbecile' or you're awfully, horribly confused. Obama is finally, publicly not confused. Now all he has left to do is anything at all about it.

Ongoing #14

Tanker drivers' strike talks to begin next week as panic buying continues to spread

Congratulations have to go to the government for figuring out how to distract the public from their recent and various embarrassments and injecting some quick cash into their tax coffers without lifting a finger or actually having anything happen whatsoever. Just as the weather anomalies itself the right temperature to make everyone a little unhinged, our genius overlords decided to announce that come next weekend we might not be able to transport our horrible offspring to Ikea for a Saturday afternoon hellfest and like the pack animals we are, we got startled and knocked ourselves unconscious on a road sign.

This master-stroke doesn't come for free of course, as they have just handed a trump card to the tanker drivers by proving how thoroughly Britain will soak its metaphorical trousers in metaphorical shit at the mere concept of not having petrol for a few days. Now that all the idiots have started to panic-buy, that "few days" has started now - a full week before any expected action - meaning that regular people who would have done just fine buying petrol normally at the normal time they would have anyway are finding busy roads, long queues and a nagging temptation to make the queue one car longer just in case. Things are now so fucked, it actually makes sense to join the idiots. Argh, idiots.

But of course after the weekend we'll either find out that this was all pointless because the dispute has been resolved (and "yay government"), or we'll find out that it will happen again at the long weekend when everyone is extra stocked up on Super Crazy. Maybe they could add some extra tension by offering family tax credits for the first person to strangle another motorist to death on the forecourt.

On Kony

Like everyone else in the Western world I spent the 30 minutes required to watch the Kony 2012 video and, like most of them, I must admit to having clicked the "Like" button. Actually it was the Google +1 button, partially so that if it came to be a gigantic scam or an embarrassment to be affiliated with, nobody would have seen that I'd done it.

But then YouTube offered me the chance to share the video, just like the flashing pictures had been telling me to do, and that was a good thing because it gave me pause to think for a second. Just what was it that I really liked about the video? Apart from the whole "Africans in dire straits, only your white money can save them" thing which of course, as a melanin-challenged citizen of Mother Earth I absolutely love, don't I?

As a marketing exercise it was damned impressive but I could hear my inner cynic knocking, letting itself in, grabbing a brew and launching backwards onto my favourite chair.

"That was a little preachy", it said.
"Sure it was, but it was just the kind of viral whatchamacallit that'll get all those hip young trendsters - or 'kids', if you like - to put down their soda pops for a second and listen to something that's going on somewhere else in the world. And that Joseph Kony, he's a Bad Man."
"Oh, sure. Absolutely. We must definitely make sure to specify anywhere we criticise the Kony video that our scepticism about the content of the piece does not translate directly into a belief that there aren't enough child soldiers in Africa and that we should all just leave poor old Joe alone because he's doing stellar work. You know, just in case anyone listening happens to be a fucking idiot."
"I detect a hint of sarcasm there, inner cynic - but just think of all the awareness it's creating!"
"Yeah, mainly of this dude's charity and how amazing a person he apparently is. How much screen-time was dedicated to asking for money, showing the logos of the various organisations involved and drilling home the message that 'black people poor, you affluent and buy worthless shit anyway, so now you buy these bracelets from us'? I bet you can remember exactly what the logo for that 'TRI' charity looks like."
"Well it's like a ban the bomb symbol, but the spokes are kind of curved and there's-"
"Right. Now tell me any Ugandan's name, apart from the child they focused on."
"Umm... I don't really remember, it was all a bit of a blur. Come to think of it, I can't even remember the name of that main kid."
"Exactly, but you can very prominently recall the Jesus-like faces of White-o McSaviour and his son, Cute-so McSaviour. It's using a cheap emotional gimmick of 'My First Activism Cause' to influence impressionable people into giving money whilst enabling them to pretend they are actually stopping horrible things from happening to people far away, but done in our favourite way - without having to physically do anything about it. Click a button, Western guilt sorted, let's go to Starbucks."
"Now that's unfair, inner cynic. There was a huge call to action, with all those kids running around raising awareness in the middle of the night."
"Ah yes, the little terrorist training video at the end. Who would have thought that the path to saving the world was to waste paper by covering it in ink, hastily sticking it to the side of a building owned by somebody who has no ties to Joseph Kony, and then tossing yourself to sleep feeling real good about it while said paper catches a gust of wind and turns itself into litter?"
"A bit of litter is a small price to pay for... no, I can't defend this any more."
"All those self-proclaimed activists out on a rampage of JUSTICE - I'm sure nobody will get carried away and plaster people's houses, cars, gardens..."
"Yes, I agree with you, it's probably not a responsible instruction to be giving out."
"And besides, the video now has a millionty-twelve views so I'm not sure how much help it could possibly need!"
"All right inner cynic, I get it! You can shut up now."

And so it came to pass in the following days that questions were raised publicly about the business practises, previous successes and general misguided nature of the Kony 2012 campaign. And then the inevitable happened - religious crusader and White Man's Burden advocate Jason Russell couldn't take the pressure and his brain decided to go wank at some cars. You have to hand it to him; even in his craziest moments, the man knows how to get shared on the Internet.

Ongoing #13

Dereck Chisora - David Haye brawl transcript

Finally, some actual fighting in British boxing. Isn't that what everyone was asking for? It turns out that the solution was a very simple recipe of:

• 1 aggressive tosspot of a lunk who can't spell the name "Derek" properly even when it is supposed to be his own name.
• 1 ego massage.
• 1 application of previously defeated British boxer in the same room.

Apply ego massage until he thinks he's indestructible, give him lots of publicity when he demonstrates that he is unable to control himself before the fight even begins, then watch the fun unravel. Extra bonus points for everyone involved in promoting, managing and broadcasting the violence that they want everyone to pay for condemning the behaviour of the angry, highly-trained meat-heads when, surprisingly, they show themselves up as thinking that hitting people is the answer to their problems.

'Anti-gay' book puts Gove at centre of faith school teaching row

It can't just be me who finds it ironic that the offending material which caused a complaint that Michael Gove responded to idiotically has possibly the most euphemistic title I've ever heard - and that includes both joke and non-joke gay porn titles. "Pure Manhood: How to become the man God wants you to be" apparently rails against homosexual relationships but it's clearly either a work of brilliant satire or about as convincing as a drug addict telling you that drugs are just terrible, awful things. I think that this booklet should indeed be handed out in schools, but it should be renamed to "My First Sexual Repression" and would serve as a lesson in irony.

On Killing

In my mind, killing is quite a large topic. For others I can understand how it's as simple as "don't" and in my daily life that is most definitely the case. On the deeper issue however, I'm still undecided. To that end, what follows is my own reasoning through it with the hopes of coming to a conclusion of sorts. So let's begin with some basic boundaries on what we're talking about.

To start with I may as well declare that I am a supporter of assisted suicide. That probably complicates every further moral question straight away but I think this is a cut-and-dry solution to a serious problem. If somebody is in pain or nearing the end of their life and wants to "skip to the end", I feel that it's only right that this should be their choice. They didn't choose to come into the world so they might as well get a say on leaving the place. Plus there's nobody out there getting off on faking their own need for euthanasia; or at least if they are and they're successful, they can only really do it the one time. Should it ever exist, such an epidemic would be a demonstration of immediate self-correction.

For the most part (in fact all but excluding this very part right here) animals are excluded from the discussion (discussion with myself, indeed). I would disapprove heavily of the killing of any animal larger than a cockroach unless a veterinary expert had deemed it necessary. I'm not entirely sure why my mind draws the line there but if you're taking cockroaches to a vet then I have to discount you from this too. But generally animals are innocent and do not have the mental capability for deception, corruption and misdeeds, thereby get a free pass - again, unless it is the only choice due to it being irreparably ill or a psychopath.

And this is where the "don't kill humans" message gets fuzzy for me. If you have a dodgy toaster that on being requested to make some toast in fact tries to set fire to the kitchen then you hastily discard it. Perhaps if you got an engineer in to look at it then he'd fiddle with a few wires and it would be back making toast without the 'attempted arson' feature. But what if it worked for a while and then broke in the same way? The cost of one toaster isn't worth the risk of your entire family and house up in flames, so on repeated violations the engineer would eventually suggest that it isn't salvageable. A human being who consistently kills or otherwise tries to harm other human beings must be faulty on a fundamental level. With seven billion of us all hanging about the place we're not exactly on the protected species register; and frankly we can spare a few if they go wonky.

I would guess that this thinking means supporting the idea of a death penalty in our justice system, but I can't think that I really would other than in the most extreme cases. On a conceptual level, killing "feels" wrong (or at the very least I feel that it should feel wrong) but it's safe to say that nobody crowding round to put a boot into Muammar Gaddafi's corn-fed torso felt that wrongness as they dragged him out of his hiding place. I don't consider that snuffing out the life of a serial child murderer would bring us down to his/her level - they are damaged in the head, we would be mercifully delivering repair in the only form possible. However this should be applied in such few instances that it probably doesn't warrant being part of the legal system at all. Like the loaded weapon by the bedside cabinet it's a protection you afford yourself at a level of risk, given that you're not the only one who can use it.

Violent mobs occur the world over with riots, lynchings and mass brawls able to break out wherever there are humans with even the most incredibly small bones to pick. It could be a good old-fashioned tabloid-fuelled paedophile hunt or simply a wrong glance at a wrong person upgrading into chaos - group mentality can allow its members to be swept up in the moment such that they can gleefully witness horrors of phenomenal magnitude and escape unbroken. There's also the popular family outing that is public stoning, one of the most horrendous ways to die I can even comprehend (and that's taking into consideration that I can't even begin to comprehend it). Again there is an invisible mental line that results in an "us and them" situation, where us feels squeamish about things like throwing rocks at living flesh and dragging bloodied corpses through the street. Them could be right but I'm willing to take my chances with the choice I've made.

I've been known to hit a ten on the annoyance scale and on the road, the most dangerous place we regularly go to, I could easily wish death upon certain people in the seconds after they throw me some stupidity to avoid, but given the trigger and a point-blank range - even whilst still fuming from it - I would not manage to carry it out (almost certainly not). If they suddenly and mysteriously handed back their driving licence I'd be more than happy. I'd also like to think that even when faced with the prospect of mob justice for the most heinous individual imaginable, I would be simply appalled at what other people were doing to Piers Morgan.

So, I think I've got it. Brace yourself to disagree.

• Murder: bad
• Self-murder: okay, but no using it whenever you feel - it is for the avoidance of painful final moments only.
• Pre-calculated murder of entities demonstrably too evil to contribute a "net positive" to society: probably logical, except with our thoroughly-documented tendency for error and hyperbole let's not bother. By the same token, let's not supply them with steak and pornography either.