On Kate

Is it Christmas Fever (not a real disease)? Gangnam Fever (definitely a disease, possibly even a plague)? Maybe it's just civilisation spinning around the sinkhole a final few times? No, it's worse than all of that. It's Baby Fever, and everybody has completely lost their collective shit. It all started when what could possibly be described as

THE SINGLE GREATEST EVENT IN LIVING MEMORY

happened. I speak, of course, of Kate Middleton catching a spunk in her vagina. Forgive me - I may be underselling the gravity of the situation. When aliens are pawing through humanity's remains (actual aliens not guaranteed to have paws) in what will surely be the biggest museum to idiocy the universe has to offer, they might be forgiven for thinking that William and Kate were the only people to ever figure out the secret behind replicating their own DNA. The successful rutting and ensuing media frenzy quite reasonably caused our mini-Queenling to experience extreme nauseousness, a feeling I identify with more than she could know. Suddenly, this minor event was also unavoidably everywhere almost instantly. Thanks, internet.

Everything then went right off the rails, but you know the story. Some Australian DJs made a prank call to the hospital, a nurse by the name of Jacintha Saldanha fell for it and gave out a bit of information that she shouldn't have, the media freaked out, the hospital freaked out and, tragically, the nurse decided to commit suicide. Now is the point at which everyone should take a step back and review what they're doing with their lives. In any non-public scenario this wouldn't have been an issue:

1. A pregnant woman going into hospital with morning sickness? Least surprising non-event ever.
2. Prank call wasting a hospital's time? Dick move, but probably misjudged and not malicious - rap on the knuckles, no need to lose your job.
3. Falling for a prank call? Standard behaviour.
4. Giving too much information over the phone? Business as usual. It's not as if she revealed that Kate Middleton has five bumholes.

Yet the global spotlight causes emotions to run at unsustainable levels - high enough that a woman who did nothing wrong either felt that she should pay for it with her life or simply couldn't handle the pressure of being at the centre of such a shitstorm. Now some radio DJs might go to jail, Australia might be shut down entirely and Jancintha Saldanha is being hailed as the finest medical professional since Dr House. Constant overreaction to every development is what got us here to begin with but sure, let's serve up another dollop and see what happens. It might make a good story.

This isn't a situation that should have ever been allowed to develop - it's what happens when you're not looking; when you're focused on the shiny thing instead of the moulded turd it's being served to you on. It's the natural result of unending consumption, whether it be gossip magazines, twitter analysis, 24 hour reality TV - eventually it will consume something or someone itself.

So do you think that after this shocking event we might be able to leave Mrs Middleton alone and let her gestate in peace before more innocent people get trampled in the melee? Of course not. The show just goes on. Next: we exclusively reveal how many tears our close-up camera saw Kate shed at Jacintha Saldanha's funeral. Do you think it was sufficient? Your facebook reactions coming up!